Earlier in the week, someone asked me what I was up to. You know, what I’d been doing. ‘Reading, writing, stuff …’ But mainly reading and writing and hanging out with my sister and my nephews, working, planning, walking and dreaming. It’s true – I’m an abject failure of a social butterfly (although I did actually go OUT Friday night to the opening of Brisbane’s The Soul Pantry – a fabulous florist in Newmarket you should all visit. I mean: TERRARIUMS. I am obsessed. Such a granny)
It’s my favourite time of year. Yes, I love Christmas and will be trimming my tree (and the rest) this weekend, but it’s summer that truly has my heart. I had a passionate relationship with summer in my youth – days of water-skiing, inner tubing and swimming at my home on the Brisbane river; meditating on the pontoon at water level and slathering coconut oil on my body to bake myself like a ham.
But then I had my transplant which meant no sun. Or I could have sun and burns replete with blisters, and with a family history of melanoma, my immunosuppression and my wish for eternal youth, I literally took shelter and have been alabaster ever since. It took about fourteen years for me to re-embrace summer and over the last couple of years, I’ve rebooted my brain and learned to adore what I call my ‘Summers of Love’ once again.
This calls for the following:
- A new swimsuit and rashie √
- Bebel and João Gilberto on repeat √ (and Enya – don’t judge me. Did you know she has a new album?) √
- The Jeep tuned to ABC classic FM √
- Naked cooking, naked dancing, naked writing. Okay – just entire days spent totally naked √
- Nights skulking around the burb armed with a knife – kidding! I’m getting my gun licence √s
- Admiring the lights of the city – sometimes with clothes on – hoping no one has binoculars trained in my direction √
- Writing on my balcony, watching and listening to the birds flying fast as whips while the sun sinks below the mountains √
- Scratching words together for my novel √
- Watching ‘Love Actually’ & ‘Eat Pray Love’ (and crying a lot) √
- Late afternoon wandering by the river √
- Stealing the swing from unsuspecting children at the park √
- Coming to the realisation that a whole year has passed and I HAVEN’T KILLED A SINGLE PLANT √
- Reading Les Murray’s latest collection √
- Thoughts about new balcony furniture (Keren Brown, I am looking at you) √
- What-the-fuck-am-I-going-to-cook-for-dinner mania √
- Clandestinely skinny dipping in the pewl come twilight √
- Mangoes, mangoes, mangoes √
- Sunscreen. All day, every day √
- Make friends with salad. Yeah, not convinced unless it’s covered in five types of cheese.
And so that is my glamorous life. I got all of the stuff I love and adapted it to my post-transplant, no sun life. November has been a pretty sedate month, and December is looking quite unremarkable. But I like unremarkable and ordinary and as much as I’d love to be in Barcy now, that trip will have to wait until January.
My novel (set in the outback in the early 70s) is coming along (1200 words today – take that, Hemingway!), an epic and covert poetry project is beginning to take shape and I’m working on a short story. I never write short stories, but the last one received a great review in the Sydney Morning Herald, so this in itself is miraculous.
I turn 39 on New Years Eve, and as with every birthday, I have no idea what I’m doing. Big changes can happen between now and then, but I seem to always escape the city for my birthday. Last year, I spent a very sedate birthday at my folks beach house at Mooloolaba, and the two years before that, I stayed at my friend Nic’s farm in the hinterland of Byron Bay where we did we got our witch on and burned shit. Going by the year 2014 turned out to be, I can say that burning shit GETS SHIT DONE. I highly recommend it #manifestinglikeamofo
I’ve never spent a NYE at my place in the city and don’t know if I ever will. I feel in limbo with the pace of the city – almost as though I’m shackled – whereas out ‘there’, whether it be Barcy or the farm or the beach, I am unencumbered and free. Waking up in the quiet of dawn and going for a surf on the first morning of a new year is such a gift. There’s nothing that quite matches its intensity or sense of calm. Bobbing in the ocean for while, eating a good brekkie, sinking into a good book, doing some writing of my own and going for a wander is an ideal situation for me. Simple, yet so ideal.
But first I have get through Christmas, which isn’t to say that I ‘endure’ the festive season. Quite the opposite, in fact. I love getting my yule on and buying gifts for my nearest and dearest. I’m in full blown love with my new baking tradition to the point where I’ve now had my fruit mix soaking in rum for ten days. When the weather cools down, I’ll put them into the oven to bake.
As I type, it is 6.27pm. Cicadas embroider the air which will forever take me back to the vipassana I did in 2013. There’s the odd siren, barking dog and the bristle of leaves in the evening wind.
Over the next couple of weeks, my opiate antagonist therapy will whittle down to zero, so I’ve been thinking of how I can celebrate this milestone. I don’t drink, so I’ll most likely keep things unremarkable and ordinary, write down some words and walk along the river. I’ll open my arms up to the world like the protagonist in my novel did today and feel the salt building on my skin. Salt is something I’m quite fascinated by, and not just because it grows in little mounds on my skin in summer that I can season my fish and chips with.
While I have a humanities brain, I find the actual chemical breakdown of salt something really quite beautiful. On their own, sodium and chloride are highly toxic. But when they come together, they create something really special. Salt is stable, non-reactive and compatible with life. Salt gets a lot of bad press, but on a hot day like today, I’ve gobbled down no less than fifteen salt tablets because I lose excessive amounts through my skin as a CF’er. Where you might have to cut salt out of your diet, I can sprinkle it on my food to my heart’s content. Simply put, without it I become hyponatremic which can be fatal, but that’s enough histrionics for today.
Being able to be completely free of Suboxone is going to be absolute freedom. I’ve not had one craving for anything drug related since I started on the therapy in 2013, and that alone lends me a steady strength. Back when I first started lining up at the chemist at the junkie counter, I knew I had my addiction cornered. There wasn’t a part of me that didn’t want to be free from the slavery that is addiction and I knew that I would get here. How did I know? Because once I make my mind up about something, I get it done. Whether that’s being stubborn or just being really fucking determined, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a potent mix of both. Knowing I had this beat from day one was essential for my recovery and the day I take my last dose may be unremarkable and ordinary, but as I’ve always maintained, there is great beauty in the ordinary. Even when you can’t see it, it is everywhere. If you don’t go in search of magic, love or anything else you want in life, you will never find it. The Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi is deeply rooted in revering nature, the everyday and its imperfections. It’s a state of heightened consciousness where there is beauty hidden in how you experience the world in its state of constant transience. The Buddhists were really onto something with their reverence for impermanence, so I urge you to embrace your wabi-sabi. If that’s not enough, then maybe some Roald Dahl will do the trick:
‘And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.’